Im a darn proud finisher and a first timer for the 21km marathon. The amount of sheer determination, endurance, sweat, aches, pain have been fully paid off knowing i have met my personal target in terms of  timing and my 2011 ambition.

I definitely know where my limits are, and was not prepared to jog the entire 21km. my gym routine of cardiovascular exercises and endurance training helped but not enough to see thru outdoors jogging. However i easily pushed myself beyond the 12 km by simply using my comfortable jogging pace, but soon after hitting the slip road leading to ECP, it snapped my core energy. My breakfast consisting of a banana has been burnt away.

Then, all i could think of was isotonic drink, growling hunger and “get me outta this heat”. As i looked beyond the highway, i knew i cannot jog it out, my calves and thighs were tightening up and somehow i felt my morale dropping. I did my utmost best to focus on what matters most and started brisk walking. Sugar rush from the energy bar helped but not enough to boost my energy level. I could only depend on my mental power and avoid looking ahead as it already seemed like a never ending stretch.

Water was helpful thru out the initial journey but as i hit the 16 km (near slip road to singapore flyer), all i needed was an isotonic drink before I descended the highway, thank the angels, as i managed to claims two cups of iced cold 100 plus. It was the tastiest drink ever!!!

The remaining journey was a blur of aches and pains from my bunion on right foot as well as blisters. I did what i can to brisk walk as comfortably as i can. The sun was shining high by then which added into my list of aches and pains. Urgh!

The final stretches along esplanade, fullerton hotel and padang was beyond agonising. I felt like my destination was beyond my grasp. It seems further than what i remember. I know its my negativity. Banishing it was tough, but seeing the encouraging spectators and volunteers lifted my spirits to keep going faster…and safely

At the corner of esplanade, many fellow runners were clearly and obviously giving their everything to make their timing. I was so close now, i had to give it all. I decided to jog the fastest i can at the final 500 m. i saw the finishing clock, it said 3hr45min, i must not hit beyond 3hr46min. Ignoring all aches and pains, i trudged thru And i did it! I raised my arms high as i crossed the line…i am a finisher!!! I completed 21km!!!

As proud and excited i was, i felt more of exhaustion and hunger. I saw my friend who arrived 3 min earlier than me, and we walked to collect our deserving medals. 

We started 645am together, we jogged together for the entire sentosa routes, we parted at the highway, and we made it  together by 1015am.

Life is really what u make out of it. I made it as a first timer. So can u!!!

I have been trying to think really hard on what’s next for me. I am clear on the expectations they have for me until end of this year. So far I have met the KPIs, or perhaps exceeded it. I know deep down that I can safely pull through this 2 months 1 week with (prays feverishly) little hiccups.  I can already feel the draw of the bonus, its seating there, waiting to be unlocked and deposited to my bank account…

I am clear on my job scope and if there is more required from me, I will always be happy to assist. I have shared this once again with both my bosses. Clearly my repeated pleas should be well heard, and that it won’t be fallen onto deaf ears.  How people can slack off at work and earn the same salary with little job satisfaction, I don’t get it. I am not at that stage of life where I want to take it easy, I want to be the driven the learned the accomplished.  I must have said this several times. I want to feel like I have pushed myself hard and my time spent at work is enjoyable. It is similar to being at a gym class where the amount energy spent will at the end of the day benefit my body. Yeah, I love spinning as seeing every beads of sweat oozing from the pore and dripping all over the bike has proven one thing, I am a survivor with limitless love for MORE.

I shall apply the endurance level I achieved at gym onto my work. I shall endure what it takes to bring me to the next level. I shall endure the slow hours. I shall endure the mixed office culture. I will enjoy the super work life balance. I will enjoy receiving a good salary. I will enjoy having a blackberry as my social media platform and source of escape. I will accept all these, until my New York trip.

I am thankful for the long weekend ahead. No waking up early, no stress from “working”, no pretends,  just a lot of my own time and doing my own thing with no “spy eyes”. I definitely going to relish every single moment being away. The limited emails will hardly bother me except a couple which I am tightly crossing my fingers to go through smoothly.

Enjoyment is the key word. Putting aside everything that has long bothered me is next. Doing what’s best for myself is the buzz. And at the end of the day, I will still remain thankful.

For my work load, I am down to simply finding potential tenants for like 3 units in 2 buildings. 3 very not enticing units because they are not cheap to rent, and they don’t have the best location. The worst thing is, market being deathly eerie quiet, there are too few real prospects. The market has gone chilly for 2 months now, right at the wake of global crisis where companies are holding back every penny they have. It’s the wait and watch moment for most, and I just have to seat at side and wait.

This is the cycle. And this boring cycle makes me cranky, emotional, sulky and stiff bored. I yawn more often than I type a business email. I use social media more often than I receive any calls or emails. I am just a slacker for now. That sucks because my mind is not as stretched as it should be.

With slackness come with more initiatives to contact old mates, plan for meet ups, trying to catch up lost time where they have since got married, had kids, worked in different jobs, a whole different life from when I knew them. It’s better for us to come together as a reunion than to stay lost and for me to always hanging out with the old clicks. I need the freshness, to experience their experiences, to be with the similar age group with careers.

 Sometimes I’m getting really tired with doing the same things. I want to live a life that matters. A life remembered by others.  A life loved by others.

it aint to the point of depression or severe, but i cant smile. i cant find joy. everything is dull and grey.  i just want to hide at home with my new percy jackson novel and disappear with the world of fantasies and find my likely happiness there!

what is really happening to me? why is there no drive/motivation/roar in me? am i starting to become whiney and unable to grasp and appreciate the good in my life (if any?). perhaps im lost in the words like – satisfaction? happiness? contentment?

perhaps i have become disillusioned? impatient? chaotic?

and so i decided to google the word “happiness”. and there seem one quote from http://www.wisdomquotes.com/topics/happiness/ that spoke to me.

i am searching and feeling my soul deeply for that last phrase to happen to me…

***

As I go through all kinds of feelings and experiences in my journey through life — delight, surprise, chagrin, dismay — I hold this question as a guiding light: “What do I really need right now to be happy?” What I come to over and over again is that only qualities as vast and deep as love, connection and kindness will really make me happy in any sort of enduring way.

- Sharon Salzberg

My annoying, negative, crappy irritatants banished the moment i entered his place.

The so happy golden sunflowers, the heart melting hand drawn my melody card and delicate agnes b bracelet were soooooo proudly presented. when my eyes met the presents, it caught my breathe and with huge excited smiles, and forgetting all previous pains, i was immediately won over!  Ahhhh  how can i not be further pampered when he further presented sweet baby blue bakerzin box with 3 slices of mango mousse, chocolate and lemon tart breaking my urge to resist eating past midnight.

I lovvvve every single item…he made my disastrous day turned into sweet nothings. His every actions were so thoughtful, so well planned, so sincere to make me the happiest gal!

29 seems so passe now.

Just simply contented.

can you imagine im so moody that whilst cake cutting with colleagues, one of them privately told me i had sky dark black face the whole time. Omg. I cant believe it myself. Well i thought i was portraying a normal composed me, hehe. But frankly all I could think of was to get this over and pray for time to speed up so that I can get the hell outta shithole. I hate today. I hate me today.

To my dismay, knocking off ended up little to shout out for, except the sweet gift from clara. I asked her if her 29th felt the same way, too. She said yes but you will get over it…hmmmm.
I thought about today and my colleague remarks. I thought about letting it go during spin and boy, spin was sweaty tough but it didn’t make me feel cheered up. funnily I got all wet eyes in the shower room, privately with the shower head. It was disastrous  ground zero for me coz I was dead tired from mad spin, im hungry, im upset about my body image, im far from successful, im missing sparkii, im alone. I was riding with negativity. Stab me!

I dont know what else can I do to make it right. Im like done for it. already at cross road with 30 and still feel like a child. Sigh.

Damn i dont know why im making a big fuss over 29. Im the kind that’ s suppose to take it easy, chilled, giggly, smiley. Guess what, its all a cover up and, blown. I dont know what I am anymore after todays episode.

Im just older and not wiser. Im just older and own nothing. Im just…

I wish I can find me. I wish for tmr to be better. I wish…

Get me outta this vicious pain. All i want is…

I cant answer any of the above yet.I dont know why…

 My short checklist to meet i.e. Vincent, Ryan, Melvyn and Yongjie are all checked. It’s just a co incidence that they happen to be guys! In someplace and somehow they were some really awesome hangout buddies especially during my schooling days. Now, it’s really jaw dropping and inspirational to see how each boy has turned out to be a responsible father, naughty hubby and broken boyfriend. Well, they cannot be perfect, the world changed them whilst chasing after the money.

Apart from trying to read up my (yet to be done) investment books, I will next be making the effort to meet some of my other girlfriends.  

This month of October is going to be fun and yes TGIF ALL!

Ahh, I must add on this last part which lifted my Friday. My cute cousin sent me a wall message on facebook encouraging me to cheer up and making the best of life by choosing, pursing and living it up! I am not sure if she read my blog as I don’t think im channeling ANY of my inner feelings over at facebook or maybe she is simply psychic! Haha. Nicol, yes I’m a total advocate of that lovely message and madly working towards it for a long time, but sometimes we are just human to still feel the blues despite trying so hard to empower life. We are just never satisfied. That’s what I have learnt over time…but thanks anyway, truly appreciate your concern babe!

There are so many days I feel disconnected from myself. I feel disconnected from people around me, I don’t feel on par or any better than my peers. I feel like I’m so distant and far from what they achieved and have in life. I feel like I’m just bumming around with my job five days a week, finding after work activities to kill time, trying to make people around me feel that I got things under control…but really, I have little self-satisfaction in almost anything generally. I’m just going from one place to another trying to fit in, trying to find my real sense of worth, finding out who I am, searching hard for what feels empty. The problem is that I feel something is missing in me. its empty and void, waiting for some hope of light to shine through me. I thought by exercising, by holidaying, by finding new adventures will bring me to that light. But it remains dark. It probably enjoys a tiny glow now and then but it extinguishes by itself quickly as well.

A nice glow happened yesterday (apart from the home delivery present by Belinda). After such long absence from this special old friend of mine, we re-connected via msn recently. I am on msn every day since I’ve downloaded the app on my blackberry. I was previously hardly on msn because it drains my android phone easily and I’m hardly ever at home to log onto the laptop.

I think it’s destined that he had to contact me and we started to chat about our lives over a few days before deciding to meet for lunch. Seeing him again makes me feel queasy a little due to the past, but putting that aside, we had a delicious update on his past 7/8 years life story and my woes. At the end of the session, I felt more optimistic and blessed and at same time curious what’s next for me.

He then left me a long msn message which summaries what I felt for a long time…wanting to be belonged and committed, being honest and communicating, and learning to be contented.

How do I achieve these when I’m grappling with so many different insecurities and uncertainties. And worse, I think being twenty nine next week has further brought up the anxieties as I watch everyone settling down with a proper partner. A proper partner. Hmmm. And what else, I hate my figure. Oh, and I’m not financially savvy even till now. Are there many people like me out there? I feel like an idiot, really.

I need to wake up fast and plan life more seriously if I’m ever getting through thirty and beyond. I really need to start asking more about financial products, yes that’s my first step to feeling contented. I don’t know about the right partner thing as that’s topic I’m avoiding forever. I can’t face it.

So, let me start with finding more meaning in life through the financial books. And also through the weighing scale. Oh yeah, twenty nine with a much lower metabolism, don’t even let me get started on this screwed up part of me. sigh.

No reason for me to emo knowing I have plenty of loyal supportive sane friends.

My rants have temporary turned into nothingness and harmless faraway buzz after receiving this wonderful surprise gift. 

My guardian angels are super. They sure know how to perk up the insecure me. I’m beginning to feel thrilled with my birthday lunches and dinners with my buddies!